Greetings. The fact that I didn’t put an asterisk somewhere in the word ‘fucking’ in the title of this article should tell you it won’t get many shares, because people are pussies. They don’t want to offend someone who might see that word. Never mind the fact that ‘f*cking’ is just one character away from ‘fucking’ and that everybody knows that you’re actually using the word ‘fucking’. Never mind the fact that everyone will automatically understand that the article is probably chock full of filth, but thank you for shielding my sensitive eyes from the one letter that will transform the word from fine-and-dandihood to what I can only imagine must seem like dick-flavored coffee. Leaving the asterisk out is like slapping a swastika on some old lady to some people. One second ago it was just an old lady trying to write a check at the grocery store, holding up the whole line, and the next minute she’s the Bitch of Buchenwald. The whole thing is goddamn ridiculous to me. Asterisks in swear words are just a pet peeve of mine.
Putting an asterisk over the word fuck is like putting a sticker over your dickhole and walking around with only that sticker on throughout Costco as you shop for toothpaste. You’re not fucking fooling anybody.
Here’s an example to illustrate how ridiculous this practice is.
Scenario 1: Joe is sitting at his desk at work, engaged with his computer. His coworker sidles over and sees that he is reading an article called ‘6 Reasons Why It’s OK That I F**king Swear.’ The coworker assumes the article is funny or philosophical, then asks Joe if would like to go to Panera for lunch. He maybe even offers to drive, as he just leased a new Kia.
Scenario 2: Joe is sitting at his desk at work, engaged with his computer. His coworker sidles over and sees that he is reading an article called ‘6 Reasons Why It’s OK That I Fucking Swear.’ The coworker is uncomfortable now. Joe is unprofessional. Joe is a monster who probably diddles kids. What’s worse is that Joe probably doesn’t like Panera.
The whole damn thing is a stupid social construct, a concept I will further explain in a right hot minute. Among other things. In fact, I’ve got 6 reasons to shove up your ass as to why it’s fine that I say wordy-dirds.
Reason 1: I’m over the age of 18.
Remember when saying bad words was a big no-no? You were probably like nine. That’s right. They were adult words. Saying a naughty word was liable to result in getting your mouth washed out with soap. That’s because naughty words are full of germs and bacteria I guess. In fact, if a movie has too many big people words in it, it gets an R rating (or NC-17 even). So little kids aren’t supposed to be allowed to see those movies at all. Discerning record companies will put black and white placards on music albums so you know they contain explicit content. Video games that contain bad words have a big M on the cover. For mature. What all this means is that, basically, I waited 18 motherfucking years to earn the privilege to say adult people words, and I’m by-God gonna do it. If little kids can’t say curse words because they’re for adults, and you’re going to shame adults for saying the words we’ve been told for years are exclusive to adults, why not…no, you know what? Fuck it. I’m an adult and I can say that.
Reason 2: I live in the U.S. of A.
America is a country built on the principles of liberty. That word even appears in the Pledge of Allegiance, which we used to force kids to say every morning. Liberty is something that’s for everyone, if the Pledge is to be believed. It’s the Land of the Free. It says so in the National Anthem. I know that because people are frequently called upon to butcher that song before sporting events. I also butcher it from time to time as I wash my ass in the shower. Sometimes, if you ask a “can I” question, you’ll get some smartass reply like “It’s a free country. Can you?” Yes, yes I can.
If I want to say “piss” and “cunt” and “shit-stain” and “New Jersey,” I can. I don’t need to censor myself because some people find “the C-word” offensive. You know where you can go with your sensitivity? College. That’s right. Take your sensitive ass to college. They have safe spaces there. If you don’t like the words I use, go back to your Reader’s Digest. That’s your right. And telling you to not let the door hit you in the turd-cutter is mine. So you have a right to be offended, sure, but you don’t have the right to demand that everyone else tend to your comfort zone.
Reason 3: It’s a social construct.
The entire concept is a social construct anyways, which means it’s arbitrary. It doesn’t matter. Just what is a social construct, anyway? It means we made it up. If you don’t believe me, go call your cat a piece of shit. Did you do it? Your cat doesn’t understand because it’s a man-made concept made of pure, unadulterated bullshit.
Somewhere along the way, somehow these words were chosen by [someone] and we collectively bought into the idea that swear words are shitty. People don’t question these things. They just assume that there must be a good reason for it, which is a mistake. In fact, the biggest mistake known to mankind is assuming mankind knows what the fuck it’s doing. It doesn’t. Don’t assume things are for a good reason. Very few people will question it, saying, “well why is that a bad word?” Even if they did it wouldn’t matter. Because we give power to each word simply with our reactions. We can choose which words are considered inappropriate and which aren’t, and these can change daily. Does the word arsehole get a reaction out of you? How about asshole? How about cunt? In some places, the word cunt is the very worst word you can say. Cunt. Say it out loud with me. Wasn’t that fun? But no. For some people, it’s the worst. Why is that? Whose idea was it to make that one the worst one? No one’s. That’s the answer. The people who think cunt is the worst word of all think that because they chose to make that the worst word to them. But if you go to the UK or Scotland or Australia, you’ll hear the word being thrown around with reckless abandon. It ain’t a big deal. That’s because they chose for it not to be. So quit being so uptight. It’s all fucking arbitrary.
Reason 4: Because I want to.
That’s really the only actual reason I need.
Reason 5: It’s fucking fun.
It helps me relieve the tension of living in a world full of idiots. It makes me happy to cut loose. Some people unwind by sipping on a nice glass of Cabernet. I like to make up new cuss words like fuck-knuckle and dick-sprain.
Reason 6: It’s supposed to be a sign of higher intelligence or bigger vocabulary, or something.
Seriously, though. Look it up. Maybe I just want to demonstrate my massive intellect.
Conclusion
I could probably come up with more reasons, but I just don’t give a shit. So leave me the fuck alone about it.
