Alright, so welcome back to Total Danarchy, my podcast that attempts to cover life and social success. So today's episode is going to be about how to attract a quality mate. What I'm about to tell you applies to anybody, not just dudes, not just women, whether you're straight, gay, bi, whatever. If you're interested in finding a quality mate, this may be of use to you.
But the keyword here is QUALITY. A quality mate should be your goal, and by that I mean you should be looking for somebody who is going to be good for you, as opposed to, say, whoever shows you any interest at all. Quality is the keyword, not just in a mate, but in ourselves. So the first step in getting a quality mate is to be quality ourselves. That means valuing ourselves enough to actually give a shit about what we're presenting to the world.
The other thing to consider is that the more you can improve yourself, the better gift you will be giving to the person you end up choosing. It's not just self-serving. It's reciprocal. To get an awesome mate, be an awesome person. In being an awesome person, you benefit yourself, but you also benefit the other person. Bonus!
Let's unpack that, though, for a second. Think of getting a relationship similar to getting a job. The similarities are numerous. You have to put yourself out there. If you wanted the most awesome job you can think of, something you would love forever, you don't just settle with the first job that will take you. That would be shitty, wouldn't it? You have to lay out your criteria for a job that you will enjoy for the rest of your life, right? So lets just say that your perfect job is to be a lawyer. That's what you want more than anything else. Now what? Can you just show up at a law firm and beg them to take you? No way. You have to meet the qualifications in order to be selected as well. It's not just one-sided. The higher the quality job you want, the more competition there's going to be, and rightly so. Same thing with people. The higher quality person you want, the more options they will have.
You're going to have to stand out. You need to have something to offer. If you wanted to be a lawyer, you would go to law school. You'd study your ass off, you'd pass the bar exam. You'd pick up a nice suit or set of clothes for an interview. You wouldn't just sit at home and bitch about how you weren't a lawyer and how none of the law firms would ever hire you. So why would you do that with a relationship? You'd be surprised at how many people think that's how relationships work. They just complain about being single, but they're not doing anything to change the situation.
You have to make yourself a good candidate. Get rid of that "they should love me for who I am" bullshit. Take it out of your head. That makes it too easy to be lazy. You can't want something for nothing. You get what you put in. You need to give a shit about yourself in order for others to want to do the same. Too many people think this means you need to change who you are. That's not the case. You can improve without changing the essence of yourself. Here's an example. What if you really had a problem with punctuality. You were always late. For everything. Would working on being on time change who you are as a person? No. You'd be simply fixing something about yourself you considered a problem. The same thing applies to things like insecurity, the need to be controlling, jealousy, anger issues, etc. Do you want a partner who embodies those things? Why would you make your partner suffer through them then? Improving yourself is important, not just for you but for your partner as well.
The most important factor in this regard is attitude. Your attitude will take you farther than anything else. Too often people bring this vibe of failure into every relationship interaction and hope that the other person will take pity on them and that they will love them anyway. On what planet will that work? None that I know of. What if you went to a job interview all whiny and said that you've been fired from every job you ever had? Do you think they're going to want you as an employee? Hell no. Same thing with relationships. If you go on a date and only ever talk about how everyone always breaks up with you, do you think they're going to be interested? Fuck no.
Check the negative vibe at the door. Look at the psychology of a relationship. People are only ever thinking about what they see. What does this other person bring to the table? But they never think about what they're bringing to the table. You want somebody hot and faithful and fun and loving, blah blah blah, but what about what that person wants? Do you think they want someone who's insecure, jealous, always worried, clingy, whiny, woe is me? Fuck no. Would you? So stop being those things! Make an effort to get your shit together. That will take you far. Focus on positive qualities that are attractive. This isn't just physical. But you should by all means take care of yourself. If you don't give a shit about you, nobody else will. If you don't value yourself, nobody else will. If you don't treat yourself with respect, nobody else will. So focus on positive things. Focus on improvement. Work on eliminating the negative. Quit whining. Quit complaining. Be positive. Be fun to be around. That's half the battle. Relax. Get your shit together.
Quit thinking that relationships are these magical things that just happen to people and that some are lucky while others are doomed. It doesn't work like that. Instead, see it for what it is - it's no different than finding a job or being picked up by a professional sports team. Put some effort into yourself and you will see results. Or not. You can sit on your couch and do nothing and whine all day about how nothing goes your way. If you keep doing the same things, you'll keep getting the same results. So I ask you - what are you doing to get a better mate? What are you bringing to the table? If your answer is nothing, you will get nothing. Very simple.
So think about that. Quality. Quality people have more options. Plain and simple. Work on yourself. Confidence. Appearance. Self-control. Finances. Anything you can think of. Constant self-improvement. Because you need to be somebody others won't regard as a waste of time. If they have options, why should they pick you? Now lets flip this coin.
You. You are quality. Quality people have their pick. They don't just take whoever comes along. They don't put up with bullshit, they don't waste their time on people who aren't up to snuff. They move on. They aren't desperate. They know that there are other people out there. They don't rush into things, because they know that finding somebody awesome isn't just a matter of throwing a dart in the dark. So be like that. Value yourself enough to vet everybody you date. Don't go into every interaction from the mindset of "Does this person like me, omg omg omg," but instead go into it from the mindset of, "Do I like this person?" And be honest with yourself. Keep a cool head. Always.
Go out there and get what you want. But also go out there and be amazing. Don't take this as me saying you're not already amazing, because you are. But why wouldn't you want to give someone else your very best?
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