There’s nothing more American than unbridled aggression, and there’s nothing more aggressive than brazenly demonstrating your patriotism with your fashion choices. It’s not enough to be proud of your heritage, you need people to KNOW you’re American and proud of it. It’ll also piss off any liberals in your immediate vicinity, without ever having to log onto Facebook to post your disdain for Bernie Sanders. So that’s an extra bonus. What follows is a list of ten amazing items that will help you advertise your love for the Land of the Free.
10. MOXY Don’t Tread on Me Socks
America was built on freedom, and it’s important to let people know you’re not to be fucked with. You can do that with panache with these Don’t Tread on Me black and yellow Gadsden Flag socks. The ultimate symbol of wanting to be left the hell alone, the Gadsden rattlesnake is a conspicuous token of your willingness to bite anybody who tries to step on your liberty. Be brave and wear them while in military uniform or show them off as you’re getting your swole on at the gym.
9. Proud Infidel Bumper Sticker
You can’t effectively show your patriotism without something to decorate the ass-end of your hopefully-not-electric vehicle. This one not only has two American flags, but it’s also a subtle dig against Islamic terrorists who might happen to see your truck parked outside the Bass Pro Shop or Wal-mart.
8. Bald Eagle Hat
There’s a reason the official mascot of the United States is a bald eagle. It’s badass and it kills things with its talons. It’s not enough that the eagle is on our money. It needs to be on your head. This hat will especially come in handy for those liberals and hipsters who are too afraid to look you in the eye. And it even says “EAGLE” right on the bill, in case stupid people think it’s a hawk or something.
7. ‘Merica F*CK Yeah Hoodie
This item hits so many bullet points I don’t even know where to begin. For starters, it has the word ‘Merica, which is like the war cry of the corn-fed. This is a straight-up throw-back to America’s theme song from Team America, and if that’s not enough it has the American flag overlaid onto a map of the continental US, which doubles as a geography lesson for everyone who suffers from the American public education system the Obama administration is probably ruining right now.
6. Digital Camo American Flag Tank
What list of patriotic accessories would be complete without something featuring the American flag? This one scores double points because it also has digital camouflage overlaid atop the Old Glory. Wear this with the Don’t Tread on Me socks for an even bigger punch to some lucky Southern girl’s ovaries.
5. Otomix American Flag Pants
Even though I already provided you with an awesome American flag item in this list, I’m throwing in a second one for good measure. Not only are these patriotic, they convey your pride right along with your penchant for awesome movies. These will effectively conjure imagery of the Rex Kwon Do instructor from Napoleon Dynamite, and everyone will know you’re ready to kick them in their America-hating face with these bad boys. These are essentially yoga pants for the unrelenting badass, and you won’t have to worry about them getting too small for the gut that’s sure to emerge from years of chugging the best domestic beer.
4. God, Guns, & Guts Tee
Nothing says American like the three G’s: God, Guns, and Guts. This shirt has all three. It also says “FREEDOM” in giant font, to let people know in no uncertain terms that the aforementioned three things are directly responsible for securing said freedom, in that order.
3. US Constitution Phone Case
Everyone knows the Bible is the greatest document in the history of planet earth. But a close second is the US Constitution, and now you can show your love for this enduring piece of history by wrapping the touchstone of American capitalism – the iPhone – with it. This accessory might be too small to read, but luckily you don’t need to read the Constitution to know that it kicks ass. You just have to believe.
2. God Bless the USA mp3
Why limit yourself to the visual medium when you can advertise your love for the USA to everyone in a three-block radius? Let your speakers do the talking with this quintessential song. Sitting just above any Toby Keith song on the serious patriotism scale, this one leaves nothing to be desired. The USA isn’t only the greatest country ever, but it was blessed by God! Everyone will know where you stand, and everyone will know you favor music that will never go out of style. (And just in case I whet your appetite with that Toby Keith mention, here’s a link to “Courtesy Of the Red, White And Blue“.)
1. Molon Labe Belt Buckle
As true red-blooded American, it’s important to show your support of the 2nd Amendment. Nothing does this quite like a throwback to the ballsiest statement ever made in defense of personal defense: Molon Labe. People want to take your guns? Tell them to come and get them with this awesome belt buckle, which rests comfortably just inches above your giant dick.
So there you have it, folks. Ten stunning items of patriotic splendor. Comment below and let me know which one is your favorite!